PaRoDy Sue
by nedthejanitor
Summary: This is a parody of everything that makes me mad about Mary Sues and the American YuGiOh series. Trust me, you'll like it and if you don't, well, I can't refund your five minutes. FULLY REVISED AS OF DECEMBER 21, 2010
1. The Joyous Meeting Yay

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!, but I own you.**

**NOTE: AS OF DECEMBER 17th, 2010 THIS FANFIC IS BECOMING SELF-AWARE- I MEAN, BEING TAKEN OUT OF SCRIPT FORMAT.  
**

_Now, before we start, this fanfic is not just a big middle finger to the whole Yu-Gi-Oh series, but mainly to the authors who write really bad Mary Sue fics. Also, it's a big send-up to the whole American Yu-Gi-Oh series. Take a joke if you don't like it. And if you do like it... well, whatever, I guess. I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eyes. Not like you can tell anyways. Moving on..._

It was your average, normal, nothing-out-of-the-ordinary, sunny, cloudless, usual, same-stuff-different-day, no-sir-ain't-nothing-going-to-happen-that-doesn't-usually-occur day in Domino City, AMERICA, not JAPAN you bastards, but AMERICA FUCK YEAH! The birds were mating, the trees were blowing, the buildings were... mating. Yugi and Yami, SEPARATED, not together, no siree, but SEPARATED FROM EACH OTHER LIKE AMOEBAS, were hanging out with their ungodly fucking ass-load of friends, none of whom are really worth mentioning or giving lines to. They were having lunch at the ever popular Generic Cafe right after school, which is not worth mentioning either, had let out for the day after all of two minutes.

"Boy-howdy-zippity-doo-dah-golly-gee-willickers, guys!" squeaked Yugi. "I love my privileged life as a card-playing geek with a senile grandfather! It sure is nice to have good friends who will never, ever, ever leave you alone, EVER!"

"Yugi, careful," Yami warned his boyfri- err, hikari, "you might hurt yourself or pull something (other than my penis) by talking too loud!"

"I agree, Yugi!" That Tristan Dude that Nobody in their Right Mind Cares About contributed. "And that's all I'm going to say, because I really don't exist!"

"I'M ANNOYING AND PREACHY," Tea began as loudly as a human being could possibly be without imploding, "AND I'LL ORDER ONE GENERIC BURGER, UNLESS IT HAS EEEEVIL ANTI-FRIENDSHIP KETCHUP ON IT! ALSO, NO ONIONS! ONIONS ARE SPANISH FOR LOVE IS BAD."

"I'll have me three Generic Burgers," ordered Joey in his trademark horribly broken Brooklyn accent, "because I eat a lot and I need the cholesterol to fuel this flea infested sperm sock made of Play-doh and dog shit I call a brain."

Bakura studied the menu for an excruciatingly long time. "You know, I think I'm going to order A GROUP HUG FROM MY BESTEST FRIENDS!"

The whole Yu-Gi-Oh gang got off their stools and came together to have a group hug, which was totally adorable no matter how many times you are forced to stare at it like a sun going super-nova. Really. I am dead serious. However, there is one villain who believed otherwise in Domino City...

"That's the fourth time you guys have group-hugged each other!" yelled the angry, fat and ugly Cafe Owner with no wife or friends. "You've run all my elderly customers out, the people outside are staring, and my cat just had a seizure! Either all of you order your food or leave!"

"YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO DESTROY OUR FRIENDSHIP!" an angry Tea declared, pointing.

The Cafe Owner face faulted, which only served to make him even more of a hideous monster. "What the hell? Look, you-"

"DID YOU JUST CURSE IN FRONT OF MY YUGI?" Yami, who is totally not gay no sir not at all what would make you think that, blasted.

"No, I-" But, alas, before Mr. Café Owner could finish his dumb sentence, a mysterious, adorable, mysteriously adorable and adorably mysterious girl in the Café mind blasted him like a muh.

"Hey, guys!" She waved at the Yu-Gi-Oh gang after killing a man.

"Oh Mylanta," chirped Yugi, "who are you?"

"I'm Mare E. Soo." The girl took a cheesy bow. "You can call me Mare."

"I'm Tristan!" The guy who should not be talking introduced himself.

"I am Yami," said Yami all overly-serious like.

"Oh, goody-gumdrops, I'm Yugi!" exclaimed Dorothy- erm, Yugi.

"Hello, I'm Bakura!" Mr. Rogers- uh, Bakura, introduced himself.

"I'M TEA," screamed the friendship bitch who gets bashed in about 65 percent of all Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction, "I AM NOW YOUR FRIEND. WE WILL JOIN FORCES TO ABOLISH MEANNESS AND, IF THERE'S TIME, GO SHOPPING!"

"Hi, I'm Joey, (INSERT SOMETHING STUPID OR AWKWARD HERE)."

"He he he…" Mare giggled cutely but nervously, "it sure is a thrill to meet you guys, even though you should be thrilled to meet me, because I'm a very famous pop-star who also happens to have the perfect deck and a yami that comes out at very predictable moments."

"Hmm…" Joey attempted to do this wild, off the wall activity called thinking, "I'm a little doubting of this extremely powerful new chick, but I am strangely very attracted to her..."

"Well, guys, I'd guess I'd better go, but you won't see me until some impossible-to-defeat ultra-mega-villain shows up and I arrive in the nick of time to destroy him with one flick of my fragile-yet-oh-so-mighty wrist." Mare said, leaving the Cafe. "Oh, and if I feel like it, he'll have tentacles and he'll pick Yami up, but when I destroy him, Yami will coincidentally land in my arms. See you guys later!"

"Good bye, Mare!" Everyone in Yugi's group yelled simultaneously.

"Swill knickers, guys, it sure was PLEASANT to meet her!" Yugi practically sang.

"I dunno…," muttered Joey, "I have an odd feeling about her, and not just at my virgin groin…"

**TO BE CONTINUED O MY GOSH**

**In the next exciting adventure, Mare and the gang meet again… at a most unexpected time! BWAH HA HA! **


	2. Mare Is Such A SWEET AWESOME PERSON!

**Disclaimer: Oh, man, I just- I mean, TOTALLY don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!**

**(INSERT INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS, NEEDLESSLY LONG AND CRINGE WORTHY DISCLAIMER WITH OOC YUGIOH CHARACTERS HERE.)**

Okay, so the Yu-Gi-Oh gang left the landmark Generic Cafe, which mysteriously vanished upon their departure since it is no longer required in the plot. Once they left, they started to talk about what all Brooklyners, trench-coaters and aspiring teenage female dancers love talking about more than anything else in the whole wide world: dueling.

"Okay, guys, check 'dis out!" Joey started, much to everyone else's ignoring. "I got a uber-powerful monster card, a couple of 00ber-strong trap cards, and a m4ck-d4ddy spell card that I was using as an 00b3r-pwn4g3 coaster while we were in that place that we were there hurk-urk-a-durk!"

"I GOT ANOTHER PIECE OF SHIT FAIRY PANTY WASTE CARD WITH -50 ATTACK POINTS," Tea-Bag showed off, "BUT IT HAS AN 4W3S0M3 FRIENDSHIP EFFECT!"

Yami grinned as smug as a Republican congressman. "I got about 10 more completely unstoppable cards and I also managed to score a very rare card that blah blah yack yack dribble dribble dribble."

"Oh, wow, that is so cool!" gushed the guy who never added anything interesting to the conversation and also had a stupid fucking hair do. (Hint: Tristan.)

"Yack-zippery-fung-shoe, Yami," Yugi tweeted (not talking about Twitter here), "you are the greatest duelist, like, EVAR!"

Suddenly, Bakura screamed a scream so effeminate that every male in a 5 mile radius popped a boner. "Oh, God, my hair caught on fire, because I've been in the sun too long and my fair, fangirl-loved skin is sizzling like paper! We need to run into another building!" So the gang rushed the flaming Bakura into an abandoned building where they could put out Bakura's hair by dousing some one month old rain water that puddled under a hole in the ceiling on it.

"Gee, thanks, guys, you saved my life!" spake Bakura. "To repay you, I'm going to transform into my jackass yami and ruin your day by accident!"

So there was a flash of bright light and Yami Bakura stood in front of the Yu-Gi-Oh gang, a slasher grin on his pale face.

"Bunnygun Shoe Flipper, guys," Yugi squealed out, "it's the evil Yami Bakura!"

"Gee, Yugi, no shit?" Yami Bakura drawled. "I'm only standing right here."

"SHOO," NesTea shrieked, "GO AWAY BEFORE THE HEART OF THE CARDS CAUSES _YOUR _HEART TO EXPLODE!"

"You know," moaned the spike haired kink, "all this talk of hearts and hearts exploding is making me really ho-"

"Stop right there, mean man!"

Yami Bakura turned around to see Mare standing in the doorway of the old warehouse, pointing at him like a jail bait Sailor Moon.

"You look like a jail bait Sailor Moon," Yami Bakura observed. "Now go away, or I'll pierce your Heart of the Cards with a knife."

"I challenge you to a duel, you big jerk!" Mare shot back.

The millenniums-old thief rolled his eyes. "I don't do that lame-ass shit anymore! I'm into Dragonball Z!"

With that revelation, Mare instantly changed herself into a Super Saiyan… 5!

"Oh, fu-"

Before Yami Bakura could finish his exclamation of sheer, unbridled, unmitigated, pure terror, Mare flew toward the defenseless asshole with unbelievable, unable to be believed, I-can't-bloody-believe-it's-not-butter speed and elbowed him in the stomach. The crushing blow caused him to fall down, vomit blood uncontrollably and turn back into his hikari Bakura, who is totally unharmed for a reason that no one would ask, or even think about. Just smile and nod and accept it.

"Wow, Mare, I was wrong about you!" Joey pumped his fist in a celebratory fashion. "I want to have your babies!"

"Oh, Joey, you're so sweet!"

"Toenail jimbone barbara streisand!" Yugi's piercing shout rang as he jumped up and down like a child. "You are the greatest duelist ever!"

"I agree," Yami joined in with Yugi, hopping up and down. "In fact, take my deck! I am undeserving in your presence!"

"Oh, no, I couldn't..." Yami threw all the cards at her like a stripper throws lingerie. "Okay!"

"HOW COULD YOU NOT REPAY MARE FOR SAVING YOU, BAKURA?" Tea scolded the Brit.

"Oh… um, right… Mare…" Bakura got back up.

"Yes?"

"I… uh… uhm…"

Bakura could not finish his sentence, for he was stricken by love. It was cute and romantic watching Bakura trip over his words, like a retarded child falling into the LaBrea tar pits.

Mare just smiled and stepped closer to the white haired knucklehead. "Go on…?"

"Uh… ahem… errrr…"

Bakura, no longer able to stand it, fell to the floor and fainted from embarrassment. He also soiled himself and flopped around like a fish for a half hour before vomiting all over the floor and finally pissing himself and going into a shyness induced coma.

"Oh, Bakura, I love you too!"

Mare bent down and gave him a big, fat, wet, herpes, lipstick, tongue, 15-second, oh-God-I-can't-breathe kiss. This revived Bakura, and it also turned him into a huge muscular supermodel with only slightly more spine than before.

"Will you MARE me?"

The Yu-Gi-Oh gang smiled at the retarded pun, because they GENUINELY THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE! REALLY!

"Yes," the girl said tearfully, "I will."

The two newfound lovebirds passionately embraced while the Yu-Gi-Oh gang cheered and the people who were crowded together and watching burst into a simultaneous fit of loud, roaring laughter before Mare incinerated them.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

**In the next exciting episode, the wedding is planned, but an EEEVVVIIILLL visitor comes to ruin it.  
**

**(INSERT LONG TEDIOUS END DISCLAIMER HERE.)**


	3. Mare's Beautiful Adorable Wedding Part 1

**Disclaimer: Oh, Gawd, I mean- oh, I am just having the worst day EVAR!**

**(YOU WAIT PATIENTLY AS THE DISCLAIMER TAKES YOU THROUGH A LAUNDRY LIST OF MY PROBLEMS, THE BIGGEST BEING MY IPOD RUNNING OUT OF SPACE.)**

**Anyway, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Read and Review OMFWTG**

The gang of Yu-Gi-Oh prepared to wed the two sudden, romantic, loving, known-each-other-for-oh-I-don't-know-3-days-tops, smitten couple into marriage, which would never end in divorce despite the constant relationship problems that come up even though there was really no need or warning or evidence for them anyways, and all of this eventually degrading into 20-page scenes of every goddamn Yu-Gi-Oh character in every episode slitting both of their wrists. That's right, you will have to see that guy or girl or hermaphrodite in the background shot of the background shot in the one filler episode whine on for 3 pages about his or her relationship problems even though we don't know any of their names, but I digress.

Any who, Yugi and Tea were in a room together talking. I think you know what this is going to mean, but you will have to sift through 4 pages of boring, awkward, sexual-tension-ridden, monotonous, completely irrelevant, predictable fucking dialogue that will end in a four-paragraph-long make out session that will eventually cause the Pentagon to call me up and ask me if I can give them my story to torture Iraqi prisoners into telling secrets, whether they have them or not.

"Wing-dang-doodle, Tea!" Yugi squawked. "Isn't it just fanfabulous that Mare and Bakura are FINALLY getting married?"

"I completely and unequivocally agree with you 110 percent, Yugi!" Tea said back, finally not shouting for once since she was alone with her crush. "You know, I've always dreamt of my wedding day!"

"Oh my dear heavens, me too! I just couldn't wait for the day that I could wear that cute white dress!"

"Yeah, not to mention the cake and the ring and all the neat perks!"

"And being able to hold divorce over your caring, loving, but poor, spouse's head! Zing-fwipperie, marriage is AWESOME, like the Backstreet Boyz and Steve from Blue's Clues!"

4 pages of the exact same horse shit later, they began to make out. But before the dirty deed could ensue, Mare walked in on the two of them, because God forbid we should have to sit through a ten-minute sex scene between two cartoon characters. Seriously, God forbid it.

Meanwhile, Joey and Bakura were having a man-to-british girly man who now has MUSSELS talk about relationships.

"Okay, I'm going to (CENSORED) her (CENSORED) and then grab her (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) it until it (CENSORED) and finish the (CENSORED) with a big (CENSORED) (CENSORED)!" Joey ranted. "And that's how I plan to comb my wife's hair, if I ever get a wife."

"I'm sure you will someday!" Bakura said encouragingly.

"Really, you think so?"

"Sure! Girls TOTALLY dig the skinny, brooklyn, card-playing, loud-mouthed, awkward, stupid, hoggish, lazy, poor type who lives with his dad, who is a molestor in every angst Yu-Gi-Oh story there ever is, was, and ever will be!"

"Thanks Bakura, who are a good friend who, to my complete and utter surprise, is not gay!"

So, after about 12 hours, the big wedding rehearsal began. But, surprise-shock-awe-angst-I-really-didn't-expect-it SURPRISE SURPRISE! It's the evil, foul, loathsome, stinky, Egyptian, big-haired heathen of rape and madness you may know as MARIK/MALIK/YAMI-MARIK/YAMI-MALIK/BISHIE!

"Ha ha, I shall ruin this wedding for Mare and Bakura because I am a poor, annoying, weird, veined-up, stretchy-faced, D&D-loving NERD!" MARIK/MALIK/YAMI-MARIK/YAMI-MALIK/BISHIE declared with an evil laugh. "And I don't have a chick despite the countless throngs of former Bakura fangirls who are now following me to victory as we take this wedding over! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!" (cough, choke, faint)

So, the wedding rehearsal went smooth as silk, even though Mare had to stop because she had to go help Inuyasha slay some huge ass demon. She poked it and it died. Surprised? You shouldn't be. Oh, and she even had time to go perform with her band, who were bigger than the Beatles, Nirvana and Dethklok combined times 3 to the forty millionth power.

Anyhow, the wedding finally began after much strife that you won't get to hear about because of my sheer laziness as a writer. The best man was Yami and the flower-girl was Mokuba... and Yugi, because they couldn't stop him from doing it for fear of being turned into a vegetable by Yami.

"Ahem," Mare gracefully and sweetly cleared her graceful and sweet throat goodly and stuff. "Before we begin, we are going to have Joey on guitar and Yugi on vocals and violin doing a rendition of Green Day's 'Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).' Every wedding that has ever been in existence since 1998 has had this song sung for them at least 14 times, despite the fact that it's a break-up song. Okay, here they are!"

Joey and Yugi went up on stage with the musical instruments.

"Hello, I'm Joey," the Brooklyn dude waved. "I'm second place, 24/7/365."

"I'm Yugi, googly-moogly, and I was scraped off my mom's coal-mining shoes instead of born like normal people!"

So the dynamic duo began the song. It was going surprisingly well until Yugi began actually singing.

"AnOtHeR TUUrnInG PoInTT Aa FoRk sTuCk IN the RooaD..."

Everyone's eardrums exploded and imploded at the same time, except for Mare's of course.

"DEAR LORD," screamed the pointy headed wonder, "IT SOUNDS LIKE GEDDY LEE PASSING A KIDNEY STONE! AAAGGHGHHGHG! (Choke, gargle, die.)"

Before the duo could go too far into the song, an unknown visitor stepped up...

"NOT SO FAST, YUGI MUTOH!"

**DUN-DUN-DUN!**

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	4. Mare's Beautiful Adorable Wedding Part 2

**Disclaimer: hO-iG-uY nwo t'nod I**

**Read that backwards, right to left. Spell it out, copy and paste if need be.**

"NOT SO FAST, YUGI MUTOH!" an unknown visitor stepped out of the audience and screamed.

"Giggly-fartition!" gasped Yugi. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ned the Janitor," the man introduced himself. "I janitate things. What I was saying is, don't go so fast because you're singing the song a bit too quickly."

Yugi thought about it for a few awkward seconds. "Why, flag-naggaring nick-stention, I believe you're right! Joey, from the top!"

The song began all over, and once his cue came Yugi sang much, much slower.

"Aaaaannnnnnooooottttthheeerrr-"

Mare, having had more than enough, ran on stage to stop the duo. "Okay, that was Yugi and Joey, everybody."

"But we aren't fin-" Joey began to protest.

"GET YOUR ASS OFF THE STAGE RIGHT NOW!"

Yugi raised his hand as Joey huddled in the corner and sobbed.

"What?" Mare asked sweetly.

"If Joey's ass leaves the stage, can the rest of him stay and finish the song?"

Mare kicked Yugi and Joey off the stage and the priest was called up to begin the actual ceremony.

"Someone tell me what the ever loving Christ I am doing standing up here in this Catholic priest outfit!" yelled none other than Seto Kaiba.

"Why, silly willy walnut head, you're doing our wedding!"

Kaiba leveled a cold stare at Mare (hey I rhymed). "You can kiss the poorest part of my ass, I am not doing it."

"Oh, Seto, you're so funny!" giggled Bakura, who was standing off to the side.

"How's this for cute, Brit boy: every single person sitting here and watching this dumb shit right now should go home and fuck the business end of a lawnmower so that I won't have to deal with their water headed children a few years down the line. I am now making my leave."

Kaiba started to leave the front and drag poor Mokuba with him, but Mare stopped him dead in his tracks by giving a vomit inducingly sugary bit about love and respect and all that.

"FINE!" Kaiba roared. "If you will just kindly zip up your idiotic mouth for one second, I'll do the wedding. Just enough with the speech already."

Mare smiled adorably, which still managed to not phase the iron clad Kaiba. "Okay."

Kaiba came back to the front and Mare and Bakura stood facing each other in front of him. "Okay, Bakura, do you promise to do every little menial task Mare comes up with, like brushing her perfect teeth, clipping her perfect toenails, and giving her full control in bed, which will be wonderful despite the fact that she's a perfect virgin?"

"Why, I most certainly do!" Bakura nodded eagerly, tears in his eyes.

Father Kaiba gave a quiet groan of disgust. "And do you, Mare, promise to give him these tasks to complete?"

"Yes, I do!" Mare said, slightly fewer tears in her own eyes.

"Then by the power invested in me, which is a lot more than you peons will ever comprehend, I now pronounce you man and Bakura. Mare, you may now make out with the bride for a full 15 minutes while everyone watches and goes 'awwww' in unison."

Just as Kaiba and Mokuba made their leave by jumping into a helicopter that came out of nowhere as the make out session began, Marik/Malik/Yami-Marik/Yami-Malik/Oh For God's Sake Let's Just Call Him Yami Marik burst through the doors of the church.

"Not so fast, you cancerous warts on society's ass!" Yami Marik screamed, scaring the shit out of the audience (literally so in brown trench coat man's case). The cancerous warts on society's ass, having already lost to him in a duel before, began running slower.

"And, you, Mare and Bakura, stop right there!"

"Yami Marik?" Bakura gasped, delighted. "I can't believe you got the invitation!"

"Yeah, I know, I can't either," Yami Marik scratched the back of his head awkwardly, "my mailman's a drunk bastard, he is."

"Well, why are you coming in so late?"

"You wouldn't believe the traffic, don't even get me started."

"I'm just glad you came!"

"Me too. Oh, sorry to interrupt, I'll have a seat." Yami Marik went to sit down, but a dunce cap suddenly popped up on his head in the fashion of a Bugs Bunny cartoon and he realized his error.

"WAIT A DAMN SECOND!" shot Yami Marik at the bride and groom. "Nice try, Bakura, but you can't sweet talk me! FANGIRLS, APPEAR!"

The ground shook as a 300-strong mini-army of heart-broken Bakura fangirls flocked into the wedding and attacked everybody in the church. There was hair pulling, teeth gnashing, face slapping, eye gouging, pinching, wrestling, twisting, and fighting. You know, just like a Slayer concert. Except with better music.

Meanwhile, amidst the chaos, Mare and Yami Marik were having a dark duel. Which is really dumb, because Mare could just go Super Saiyan 14 or something and throttle the life out of him. Then again, this is a Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic, so things like logic and sense aren't factors here. The duel ended with Mare having about 9000 life points and Yami Marik with -50. He was promptly tossed into the Shadow Realm.

However, the fangirls eventually settled for the male characters in the Yu-Gi-Oh series. Hell, Whats-His-Name was even blessed with the privilege of taking home a soggy, 45-year-old transvestite with Ebola. The Yu-Gi-Oh gang cheered and waved as Bakura carried Mare to the wedding chariot or whatever the hell it is, and they rode off into the sunset... together... happy.

**THE END**

**...OR MAYBE NOT...**

**...YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO FIND OUT, YOU BIG BABIES...**


	5. Nope, No Marriage Problems Here!

**Disclaimer: Hey, George, remember when you asked me what the definition of irony was and I said, "I DON'T OWN YU-GI-OH!"?**

Two months after Bakura and Mare got marred... excuse me, married, thinks went completely pear shaped. And, no, that does not mean that Mare got fat, because she is genetically incapable of getting fat unless she gets impregnated with a beautiful baby which won't happen for a while because she wants to wait. But I digress. Anyways, Mare started getting mad when Bakura even uttered the slightest word in disagreement toward her, which always resulted in an argument that ended in Mare becoming her horrible yami and going bat shit crazy on his poor, effeminate ass.

No longer willing to be walked all over, Bakura attempted to come to his friends for aid:

"Hello, guys!" waved Bakura cheerfully, with one arm draped over one of his crutches and his other arm in a sling.

"By my Grandfather's glistening pickle!" the stunned Yugi declared. "What happened to your face? What happened to **all of you?**"

"Oh," Bakura chuckled awkwardly, "my wife had another episode."

"WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HER SO ANGRY?" Tea yelled out of habit. "DID YOU GIVE HER A FRIENDSHIP SPEECH? BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO DO THAT AT SCHOOL, I GET BOOKS THROWN AT ME."

"See, that's the trouble," Bakura began slowly and cautiously, fearing the worst from his overzealous friends, "I don't think I'm doing anything wrong at least thirty percent of the time. I honestly believe that it's at least partially her fault that we fight a lot."

The entire Yu-Gi-Oh gang gasped in horror unlike any ever before experienced. T-Word even fainted to the ground and twitched furiously while foaming at the mouth. Although, that could be because he contracted some kind of exotic disease from the thing he fucked from last chapter. The jury's still out on that one.

"How...," Yami leveled his terror-stricken eyes at the man, "how could you ever think that?"

Bakura thought for a second and remembered a particular incident to illustrate his point. "Well, the other day, she said that I had to come with her on a world tour with her band to support her newest triple diamond selling CD since four months ago. Now, I would've agreed under normal circumstances, but I was under house arrest since I was accused of assault after Mare attacked my nipples with toenail clippers and then doused herself with fake blood. So I said no. She proceeded to go yami and beat me in the face with a crowbar, butt sex me with the crowbar, force-feed me the crowbar, and toss me in a dumpster."

"THAT'S AWFUL!" Tea bellowed out tearfully.

Bakura smiled, "I know, the doctor said that-"

"I would be honored to have someone as kind and loving as Mare as a wife," Joey ranted, getting all up in Bakura's face. "You don't realize how lucky you have it!"

"By Zeus's mighty beard, you are an ungrateful person!" Yugi pointed at Bakura, rebuking him.

"No, I swear I'm not! I just think-"

"BY DISCO'S BALLS, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY OUT OF THE COOL CLUB!"

"No, please-"

"Joey, stand back!" Yami commanded while he opened his right hand and raised it directly at Bakura. "I have something in store for this... this **creep**."

Bakura tried to beg on his knees, but they were broken, so he could only stand. "Please, I'm sorry, I'm begging you-"

"MIND CRUSH!"

Yami separated Bakura's soul from his body, tossing the soul into the Shadow Realm. Unfortunately, this also ended up making Yami Bakura the body's sole inhabitant. Instead of attacking, however, Yami Bakura just glazed his eyes over and stood there emotionless in order to fool Yugi and the gang into thinking the body truly had no soul. Once the group walked out of sight after taking turns throwing bottles of urine at him, Yami Bakura ran back to the house he and Mare shared and entered a secret cellar in the beautiful garden that Mare worked really hard on by forcing Bakura to plant it. Three other people were down there, wearing black robes and sitting in front of a giant computer.

"The trap worked," Yami Bakura reported. "Now that Mare is single again, we can take her out before another romance begins."

"Excellent," the tallest robed figure said, "now bring the Yu-Gi-Oh gang to us. We will set them straight."

That night, Yami Bakura snuck into the Game Shop, where Yugi and Yami were having a super fun sleepover in the back. Yami Bakura jumped out at them and used the almighty ancient powers of a piece of wood to the head to render them both unconscious. Then he dragged them both back to the cellar.

Meanwhile, Joey, Tea, and u-no-who were annoying every living organism at the Generic Cafe, discussing duel monsters, since they had absolutely nothing else to do. They didn't even have any homework! Gosh! Anyway, a call came to the cafe for Joey.

"Hello?"

"If you ever want to see Yugi and Yami again, haul your asses to Mare's backyard and go into the open door in the garden."

Joey gave the phone an odd look. "Are you that fangirl I had an affair with that lasted until I pulled my pants down?"

"No, you ignorant stump, I'm Yami Bakura."

"Well, whoever you are, just quit calling me- did you say that you had Yugi and Yami?"

"Yes, for God's sake!"

"Oh, well, I still don't want to have another affair, because you'll laugh at me again and-"

"JUST GET YOUR STUPID FRIENDS DOWN HERE, YOU VIRGIN WASTE OF FLESH!" (click)

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. The Truth Is Unveiled Part 1

**Disclaimer: I did not have sexual relations with that Yu-Gi-Oh. Nor do I own it.**

Joey "Buttafuoco" Wheeler and his band of jolly nerds ran into the cellar in the dead of night, where Yugi and Yami were sitting down with their hands tied behind their backs and their mouths taped shut. Yami Bakura stood beside three robed figures, arms crossed and foot tapping.

"Okay, we're here!" Joey said to the thief. "Now, untie Yami!"

Yugi protested, though he was muffled by the wondrous duct tape that was slapped over his mouth.

"Oh, yeah, and that kid too."

"There is something that you need to know first," Yami Bakura said back, a rare look of seriousness on his face. The three robed figures stepped closer to the group and took off their hoods, revealing Seto Kaiba, Mai Valentine, and Ishizu Ishtar.

"Kaiba? Mai? Ishizu?" Joey was dumbfounded. "Is it my birthday or something?"

"Uh... it's my birthday." T-Dogg pointed out, raising his hand. Awkward silence ensued for a good, long time. Kaiba finally broke it.

"Wheeler," he began rudely, "we are a temporary alliance of duelists who have banded together to fight back against Mare, since we are the only four with enough brains to see through Mare's ruse."

It was Tea's turn to get all pissy. "MARE IS A VERY NICE GIRL, SHE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU, SO LEAVE HER ALONE!"

Mai cringed. "Yami Bakura, tie up Tea's stupid mouth before my ear drums turn into ear cymbals."

"You know, it's not so bad once you-"

"NOW!"

"Fine..." Yami Bakura grumbled under his breath as he slapped some duct tape over Tea's mouth. "You're almost as loud as she is, though."

"Damn, we used up the entire roll on Tea's mouth," Kaiba growled. "This shit costs money."

Ishizu took it upon herself to give the gang a proper explanation. "Mare is not the girl she makes herself out to be."

"She makes out with herself?" The trench coat guy who isn't Kaiba asked.

"...No," Ishizu thought for a second. "Well, if she wanted to, she probably could."

"We originally had planned for Yami Marik to take her out in a dark duel, until we realized that Mare also had a very powerful yami of her own. One that is actually still with her in her body."

"Kaiba went to the wedding with the intention of inspecting Mare's cards to create a deck which could perfectly counter her best cards," Mai continued. "Unfortunately, it turns out that her deck has no weakness, so I guess we'll just have to make Yami do it and wish him the best."

"Or," Kaiba interrupted, "Plan B is we could simply beat the hell out of her in some kind of Shadow Game that doesn't involve playing a card game. Or, Plan C is, we could throw rocks and other blunt objects at her."

"I vote Plan C," Joey said.

"I do too," Yami Bakura seconded.

"Hey, wait," Joey suddenly realized, "I got nothing against Mare! Why do you three want to attack her? Are you jealous?"

"Don't be a fucking idiot, Joey!" Mai snapped.

"Ever since Mare came here, we have noticed a dramatic decrease in world activity." Kaiba said, turning to face his overly large computer. "This is because Mare is not one of us. She is from another dimension and, by coming here, she has bent the world out of shape to the point of where the only time anything ever happens is when she or any one of you just happens to be there. Kind of like one of those girls in one of those crazy ass Sailor Moon fan fics."

"You mean a Mary Sue?" asked T-Man, being the only one to cotton to what Kaiba was talking about. "How can you compare Mare to a Mary Sue?"

"Well, for one thing, her name is Mare E. Soo," Mai sneered. "Dumbshit."

T Car scratched his head through his unbelievably ridiculous, possibly deadly hair-do. "...Oh."

"I have predicted what will happen to all of us in the future if we don't stop this," Ishizu reported to the group. "Seto Kaiba has typed them into the computer. Bring Yugi and Tea's up, Kaiba."

"Very well," Kaiba muttered. _God, I love it when she uses my full name..._

The computer brought up the first fortune: **Yugi and Tea will marry and live happily in a mansion.**

Yugi bursted out through his duct tape, coming as close to hulking out as he possibly could.

"NOOOO! I **HATE **MANSIONS!" Tea cried.

"Okay, now I'm going to bring up Yami's."

**Yami will marry Mare (ha a rhyme again) and live in a lovely brick home essentially acting as Mare's servant.**

Yami also busted through the tape. "LIKE HELL I WILL! Servant? No effing way!"

Mai nodded. "The Mary Sue's charms are beyond any form of resistance. Even if she doesn't say a single word to you, you'll become smitten if she targets you."

"Okay, here's Joey and Terrance's." Kaiba turned around, "Is his name Terrance?" The others just shrugged.

**Mare will have a sudden burst of creative ingenuity and make Joey gay, then pair him up with Tricky-Or-Whatever-His-Name-Is in a cute Mary-Sue-Plays-Cupid episode.**

Joey began choking even though he didn't have anything in his throat (except sperm HA just kidding).

"GAY?" screamed Joey. "But, I've never been attracted to a dude before, except the members of Hanson, and that's ONLY before I realized they were guys!"

"Mary Sue's power will-" Ishizu suddenly snapped, "oh, how many Ra-damn times am I going to have to explain this? YOU HAVE NO SAY IN IT! SHE. CAN. CONTROL. YOU. You're so fucking dense!"

"I think I'm in love..."

"What, Kaiba?"

"Nothing, I'm bringing up the next fortune."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	7. The Truth Is Unveiled Part 2

**Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, I'd add more girls so we could get rid of a certain few insane yaoi freaks who make countless stories where Kaiba is doing Joey over a desk in his office. But, unfortunately, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.**

"Okay, now we also have the fortunes of me, Ishizu, and Mai." Kaiba reported, typing really fast in the style of a movie hacker.

**Kaiba will be Mare's next husband target, should anything ever happen to Yami.**

"Just the thought of it makes me shudder," Kaiba whispered to himself. "Here's Ishizu's."

**Ishizu is planned be the character who gets bashed after she shows up at Bakura's funeral to pay her respects.**

"Oh, HELL NO!" Ishizu screamed, balling her fists. "That little bitch had BETTER get ready 'cause once I see her, I'ma BITCH-SMACK HER CRACKER ASS! AND THEN I'LL TELL HER WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR HER!"

"Stop it, Ishizu," Mai grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, "being a boring stereotype is exactly what this racist whore wants you to do! You have got to fight it!"

Ishizu shook her head back and forth, coming back to her senses. "You are right. I will only lower myself down to her level if I do that."

"Hold the phone, there," Yugi interrupted, "Aren't you Egyptian? How could you be _that_ stereotype if you aren't even part of a society that has those types?"

"Simple; author ignorance."

"Author?" inquired Yami.

"We'll explain after Kaiba pulls up my fortune," said Mai, "and then Yami Bakura's."

**Mai will just be forgotten. Seriously, no one will say another word about her again, she will just be forgotten. Same for Serenity, since she hasn't been of any use ever since she got her eyesight fixed.**

"It's because I'm the only one who can compete with the author's beauty," Mai huffed, nose upturned.

"The author, Mary Sue, has the power to make herself the single most beautiful human being that ever existed," Ishizu told her jealous comrade. "There's no way you or any of us could ever even hold a candle to her."

"Then how do you explain it?"

"She probably doesn't have any use for you, seeing as how all the men are taken," Kaiba mused. "If you are mentioned, you'll probably just take up Tea's spot as the cheerleader or something."

"EWW! No way, I'm not cheering for anybody!"

Kaiba just shrugged and did some more typing. "Okay, here's Yami Bakura's. This will be the last one, unless I've forgotten some people."

"What about Marik?" Joey asked.

"Marik is in Egypt with Odion, he won't have anything to do with this," Ishizu explained. "Unless the author runs out of ideas or something."

**Yami Bakura will be killed when he tries to destroy her sometime after the funeral.**

"I don't want to puke blood again, surprisingly," Yami Bakura said as he fondled his favorite knife, "so I'm not going to let that fortune come true."

"Okay," Yami got up from the chair he almost broke last chapter, "now it's time for you to explain this 'author' business."

Kaiba stood up, facing Yugi and the rest of the group. "You already know that Mare, the Mary Sue, has stopped the vast majority of activity in our world. Well, ever since Mary Sue appeared, we've been studying, trying to find her weakness or maybe some kind of an explanation for her god-like powers. But we never found anything. No records whatsoever of her ever being born. Then, we discovered why through the necklace Ishizu somehow got back from Yami. Mary Sue is, in fact, an author from another dimension (author's note: The one we're in) who was born with the ability to transfer her being between dimensions. She can go into a cartoon and control it at the same time. In a sense, playing God in our world."

"So... she's unstoppable?" Trustan (Tristone?) asked.

"No," Yami Bakura answered. "We know how to destroy her. The key is through her duelist yami, who is, in fact, the real incarnation of the author. The appearance of the yami is that of a fat, odd-smelling, zit-ridden sophomore in High School. That's the author. That's why these people make stories about us, they watch us on television and then they make stories where they insert themselves. They do this to make themselves feel stronger or more special."

Mai jumped in. "Now, not all of them are like this. Some are just there to make an interesting story. But these Mary Sues are just sad, lonely girls from their dimension with no friends and no hope of any kind of romance. But, this is the only one we need to worry about."

"Well, gee-diddly-gosh," Yugi exclaimed, "how do we stop her?"

Ishizu picked up from where Mai left off. "Since Yami fell into our plan by mind-crushing Bakura, we now have a way to lure the Mary Sue in at her most vulnerable. The plan is, once Mary Sue finds out the faked death of Bakura, she will be very sad and lonely. We will have to do our best not to feel sorry for her, because she's going to use this as a crutch so she can get to Yami. At the funeral, we are going to lure her yami, the true author, out of hiding. Once this happens, we can beat her. The only thing that her yami is good for is dueling, which guarantees we can physically beat her if we can get her before she goes back to her stronger Hikari form.

At last, Tea managed to wrestle her mouth out of the duct tape. "THIS IS SO UNFRIENDLY!"

"How the hell did you get out of your tape?" Yami Bakura shot at Tea. "Oh, well."

"I'M GOING TO GO WARN MARE OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" Tea declared as she busted out of the rest of the tape and tried to run away. Thankfully, Mai and Ishizu restrained the dumb bitch and Yami Bakura tied up her legs.

"We're just going to have to leave her down here," Kaiba told the gang. "Now, the funeral will most likely start in a week, so we have time to learn how we can resist the dangerous charms and tricks of the Mary Sue. Let's get started now."

"GO GO POWER RANGERS!" Yugi screamed triumphantly.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	8. Funeral Time Pretend To Be Sad

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I damn well should. **

The preparing for the funeral where they would unmask Mare as the devilish Mary Sue she is, in a nutshell, was grueling. Yugi would often say that something was "too mean", Joey would piss everyone off with his over done accent, Trinidad (Tarstuun?) would be forgotten for hours at a time, Yami Bakura would often bitch and sulk because Mare whooped him so easily at one point, Yami was just... being the pharaoh, I suppose. He's pretty much the most easily predictable character in the series. Everyone else would just get frustrated at their own incompetence. Tears were wept, faces were slapped, and muscles were pulled, but they finally managed to get the whole plan together.

"Okay," Kaiba began to run through the master plan, "so, we're basically going to challenge Mare to a duel and, when she comes out, Yami Bakura and Yami will combine both of their powers and they will banish her to the Shadow Realm. Then Mare will also be destroyed, since it is her Yami that keeps her alive."

"Pretty much," Yami nodded.

"Summed it up right there, Kaiba," agreed Yami Bakura.

"Okay, then what the hell are we going through this training montage for?"

"I do say," Yami Bakura declared all British like, "it's probably just to stall time and put more words in the story!" He paused. "...BOLLOCKS! DAMN BRITISH ACCENT!"

Kaiba smacked his forehead, frustrated and stressed out in typical Kaiba fashion. "Well, let's get ready for the funeral before more time and space is wasted!"

And so, not long after, the funeral was set to begin. Yami Bakura, of course, was set to play as the corpse. Everyone just assumed he was ready to be buried, since Yami Bakura is a spirit, and therefore has no blood since Bakura was torn from him and banished into the Shadow Realm. Yes, I made that up just now. Once again, the ever-kind and priestly Kaiba took duties as priest. At this point, the guys were standing around the coffin and having a discussion about an hour before the funeral.

"What the hell do I say?" Kaiba asked Ishizu. "We can't afford to have our cover blown for a second!"

"Just improvise," she suggested, "she already knows it's us anyway."

"What?" Kaiba almost shrieked. "How?"

"Tea got away and she's joined Mare's side," Mai said.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, we locked her in that basement a week ago! I thought we starved the dumb bitch!"

Ishizu shook her head. "No. She's still alive and she will be sitting right next to Mare."

"Wait," Joey butted in, "how do you know?"

"I can see into the future."

Mai's eyes widened. "Well, look into the future and tell us if we're going to beat her or not!"

"I can't. My Millennium Necklace can't predict a future beyond Mare, that's how powerful she is."

Yami stood in awe. The Mary Sue could defeat even the millennium items themselves! "How did she obtain all this power?"

"She just imagined it, and she had it."

"Should I banish Tea to the Shadow Realm?" Yami asked.

"I'll help!" Yami Bakura said from his place in the coffin.

"Shh, Yami Bakura," Mr. Brown Coat said angrily, "you'll blow your cover as a corpse!"

"I don't listen to worthless secondary characters!"

"You wanna fight?"

"I'll take you outside right now, Treetop! By the time I'm done with you, you'll be in quite a squiggly widget!" Yami Bakura sat up in a rage. "GODDAMNIT, BRITISH ACCENT SHIT! DAMN HELL ASS!"

An old lady walked in as Yami Bakura started his tirade. Shocked by the cursing, never mind the fact that a corpse is yelling, she fainted on the spot.

After more arguing, the funeral finally began. Mare was grief stricken and crying, but she's only crying tears, none of that gross "snot running down your lips" nastiness because Mare is perfect. Remember? Well, keep it in mind, you mediocre waste. Anyway, Yami was forced to sit next to her, because it's his job to convince her to duel. It was extremely and painfully uncomfortable, as one might expect.

"I can't believe it!" Mare whined. "(SOB CRY WHINE WHIMPER) We were so happy together..."

"Oh, uhh... yeah," Yami muttered.

"I (CHOKE SOB SOB) hate to ask you, but may I please (WHIMPER CRY COUGH) lay my head on your shoulder?"

The pharaoh quickly tried to deviate from that train of thought. "Say, you know what would cheer you up and make you stop thinking about your husband's untimely death?"

"A hug?"

"No, a nice duel!"

Before Mare could respond to the challenge, Kaiba stood up and began the service.

"Okay, in the name of God, we commend this poor, freezing corpse into the afterlife, where he may eat the cupcakes of Jesus and lay in the bosom of the recently deceased Anna Nicole Smith for all eternity." More sensitive old people fainted at Kaiba's awful blasphemy.

"Kaiba, for God's sake, at least read something from the Bible!" Joey yelled.

"Ishizu told me I should improvise, I figured she would know something about it!"

"Forget what I said!" shouted Ishizu from the back. "Just read a chapter from the Bible!"

As Kaiba read a chapter from Revelation, Yami whispered to Mare. "Hey, you know, somebody told me that your yami..."

"Yes, go on? (CHOKE CHOKE SOB WHIMPER CRY SQUEAK)"

"...was a pathetic duelist."

A blinding flash of light went off in the room as Mare mutated into her true self, whose name is Finley.

"WHO THE SHIT SAID THAT I WILL TAKE MY FANGIRL RAGE OUT ON THEM"

As the remaining old people fainted, Yami Bakura jumped out to help Yami blast her.

"WE BANISH YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM!"

TO BE CONTINUED OH MY GOD WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?


	9. Crossing Over

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I own Yu! HA HA HA HA! Yes, I'm very lonely.**

Yami and Yami-Bakura prepared to banish the evil Finley to the shadow realm Unfortunately, Yami-Bakura's definition of "banishing her to the shadow realm" turned out to be "punching the hell out of Finley until she died." Long story short, Yami ended up accidentally sending both Yami Bakura and Mare to **this** dimension, since Finley knew what Yami was going to do and changed their trajectory at the last second. Unfortunately, Kaiba, Mai, and Ishizu ended up being wrong about Mare dying whenever Finley was cast out of her. However, what they didn't know is that Mare's power was cast out whenever Finley was, since Finley was the one that was using her stunted and cheeto fueled imagination to fuel Mare up. Without Finley, Mare was just another cartoon character.

"You guys better stay away from me!" Mare shouted in her battle stance.

"Give us our friends back!" Yami angrily demanded.

"No! Go away, or I'll turn Super Saiyan 23! I won't hesitate!"

Tea stood beside Mare, "I'LL GIVE A FRIENDSHIP SPEECH TO MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

"Shut up, bitch!" screamed Kaiba, who promptly hurled a Bible at the girl and clocked her square in the face.

Meanwhile, back in our dimension, Finley and Yami-Bakura came flying out of the shitty 90's computer in Finley's room. Finley was unconscious, while Yami Bakura got up, dusted himself off and looked around.

"Oh, my God!" gasped Yami Bakura. "These dolls look just like Yugi and his foolish friends!" He turned to the side and gaped in horror at what he saw. "Holy shit, she even has one of me!"

Finley's mom, who most certainly does not have it going on, suddenly called out from downstairs.

"FINLEY! Come down here, the meat loaf and steamed cabbage is ready! You'd better not be up there dry humping one of those god damned dolls of yours!"

The thief shook with terror like he had never before experienced. "I've got to get out of here!"

"Is that a boy up there in your room?" Finley's mom called. "If so, you'd better be moving in with him pretty damn soon!"

Yami Bakura prepared to make a jump out of the window, but got caught whenever big, fat Finley snagged him by the foot and tossed him violently onto her bed. Yami Bakura was unable to hurt her by punching her or kicking her, since people from our dimension could not be hurt by mere drawings. As he thrashed, Finley proceeded to get all of her several hundred pounds on top of him.

"Wowee, a real Yu-Gi-Oh character in MY room!" Finley squealed.

"You're batshit insane!" screamed Yami Bakura. "What are you fucking talking about?"

"It's too bad it has to be mean old Bakura-"

"I'M NOT MY HIKARI, YOU SHIT WHORE!"

Finley lightly slapped Yami Bakura in the face. "Your hikari is Ryou, stupid head! I wish I could have gotten Kaiba, Yami or Ryou instead! BISHIE KAWAII DESU DESU DESU!

"GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF OF ME!"

Can you tell that I'm making a statement yet?

Meanwhile, back in the Yu-Gi-Oh universe, the Yu-Gi-Oh characters were just sort of staring angrily at Mare, in the style of a DBZ stand off.

"I'll banish you to the Shadow Realm if you make one wrong move!" Yami reminded her for the fortieth time.

"I-I'll break your arms right off of your shoulders before you can even say the words!"

"I'll throw a bunch of hymnals at you!" Joey said, excited with his idea that is better than Yami's.

"I can incinerate them before you can even throw them!"

"I'll say something nasty and rude," sneered Kaiba.

"I'll cry and then everyone will scold you for being such a 'creep,' whatever that means..." Mare temporarily relaxed her battle stance. "God, what a useless insult."

"You know," Kaiba said, "she has a point. That is a pretty idiotic insult."

"Oh, like 'geek' is any better?" Yami scoffed.

"Yeah, it is, GEEK!"

"Bottle-zoggery, quit being such a CREEP, Kaiba!" Yugi squeaked in retaliation.

"STOP IT!" Tricycle screamed, stopping the fight in its tracks. "Don't you guys realize this is just what Mary Sue wants us to do? She's trying to turn us against each other! We need to stop fighting and focus on trying to defeat Mare!"

"Shut up, Triceritops!" Everyone yelled simultaneously.

Meanwhile, Finley still had Yami Bakura pinned on her bed, laying on top of him and trying to kiss him. To the passerby, this looks like she's trying to swallow his head whole. Yami Bakura tried to dodge Finley's crusty shark lips from smooching him on the mouth when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Finley couldn't hear them, she was moaning too loud. Finally, the door opened and Finley's UTTERLY HIDEOUS 52-YEAR-OLD mother barged in.

"Damn, you're just humping one of those stupid dolls again." Finley's mom growled. "Funny, I don't remember getting you a life-sized talking doll that could breathe. Oh well, come down and get dinner, it's ready."

"Okay, mom, let me just put my doll under the bed."

"Okay, fine."

Finley shoved Yami-Bakura under the bed and left downstairs for dinner. Oh, what will happen? Will Yugi and the gang uncover Mare's secret? Will Yami Bakura ever escape the hideous dimension we live in? You'll just have to find out the next time I update! HA HA HA!

TO BE CONTINUED!


	10. The Death of PaRoDy Sue?

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN YU-GI-OH, YOU MAGGOTS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?**

The standoff continued unabated between Mare and the Yu-Gi-Oh group. Mare could have just run away by now, but they would have realized her weakness had she done that. At this point, the idle threats toward one another have transformed into awkward small talk.

"Well, willickers-lucky-charms, it sure is warm in here isn't it?" Yugi observed.

"Yeah, it's warm if you're wearing tight-ass blue pants and have deadly hair," Kaiba smirked.

"You, my good sir, are unpleasant."

"Boohoo. My widdle feelings are hurt. I doubt I'll recover from that one, you ugly little super-saiyan hobbit."

"Haha, you watch DBZ, you geek," Yami laughed.

"You're all so... MEAN!" T-T whined.

"Shut up, bitch." Mare shot at Terswtaw or whatever the fuck, who even cares at this point.

"You shu-"

"Shut up, bitch."

A brief moment of silence. "My nuts itch," Yami growled to no one in particular.

"I could scratch them for you!" Mare suggested loudly.

"Good idea, you'll incinerate them," Kaiba chuckled.

"GRR! WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?" Mare shrieked. "_I'm SO ANGSTY!"_

Meanwhile, back in Finley Land, Yami Bakura had busted himself out of Finley's house and started wandering around town. He walked into the city and realized something very important.

"These are some REALLY UGLY people!" Yami Bakura noted. "My dear God, look at the noses on these... THINGS! I thought it was just Finley! Oh, that one's shaped like a tru- IT IS A TRUCK OH SHI-"

Well, anyway, back at the funeral parlor, the stand-off continued.

"So, how long have we been standing around?" Kaiba asked himself, checking his watch.

"Roughly the amount of time it takes for you to finish up in bed: 0 seconds." Joey sneered.

"And how would you even know that?"

"You're mom told me so."

Kaiba walked over to Joey and looked him right dead in the eye. "My mother was a carnival worker who ate glass and drank poison. She had AIDS so bad, it was expected that half the AIDS in the world would die with her, and she was also rendered mentally retarded not long after my birth. Way to hit that, Romeo."

"...You're doo doo."

"I'M STARVING!" Tea screamed out of nowhere.

"Good," said Mai.

"DON'T MAKE ME BEAT YOU IN ANOTHER DUEL WITH MY FAIRY DECK!"

"You have a hairy dick?"

"FAIRY! DEEEEECK!"

Tea's ungodly loud manner of speaking finally woke up all the old people. Since they were all confused, scared, and soiled, they picked up their canes and sought after the first person they saw: Mare.

"H-Hey," Mare stuttered, "what are these zombies doing?"

"Zombie!" one of the old men exclaimed. "I'm a civil war veteran, you ungrateful little (COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH GARGLE HOCK HOCK SPIT EWW) ...whippersnapper!"

"Eww, get away from me! You're all non-perfect and stuff!"

"We're a-gonna make you PAY for you actin' all UPPITY in church!" the man's wife promised. "Devil child!"

"Stand back! Go away!"

"Why don't you destroy them?" Kaiba asked in a dull voice. "Aren't you really strong or something?"

"Uh, yeah! That's right, you get back before I attack!"

"Yeah right, you're just a little girl," another old man scoffed.

"I'S JUST A _WHAT, _BITCH?"

"You wouldn't hit an old lady with glasses, would you?" some old lady in the back joked.

"IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!"

"LOL WUT"

"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER! **SHOOP-DA-WHOOP!**"

"OH SHI-"

Let's get back to Yami Bakura. The truck narrowly avoided him, and now he was riding with the gentleman in the truck.

"So, who are you?" The man, who was a therapist, asked.

"I'm the master of thieves, BAKURA!"

The truck skidded to a halt without warning.

"Are you off your meds?"

"What the fuck are meds?"

"I hope you are," The therapist took his glasses off. "I think that's SEXY!"

The therapist left the car and walked over to Yami Bakura's side. The thief jumped out of the truck and started backing away from the therapist.

"You stay back, I was already almost raped once tonight!"

"Well, with a fine-ass body like yours, I'm not surprised!"

"You shouldn't be doing this, you're a therapist!"

"I'm not a therapist, silly, what gave you THAT idea?"

"That's what it says on your shirt!"

The man laughed. "Oh, that doesn't say 'therapist,' that says 'The Rapist!'"

"Oh… crap."

He continued to inch closer. "Now, come here, girl!"

"I'm a guy, you dink!" the outraged Yami Bakura countered.

"What?" The rapist exclaimed, stopping. "You can't be serious!"

"I am. Couldn't you tell?"

"No, I couldn't. Well, you can just start walking; I don't pick up hitchhiking faggots."

This outraged the spirit of the ring even further. "I AM NOT GAY!"

"Whatever, you'll probably rape me or something."

The Rapist drove away, leaving a disturbed and confused Yami-Bakura in the dust.

"What is wrong with this hellhole world?" Yami Bakura wondered out loud, walking in the opposite direction. "Jesus, no wonder Finley is so screwed up!"

Back in Yu-Gi-Oh land, Mare was dead from being beaten to death with canes. Her final words were "OPS I SWALLOWD MAH LAZER." Yes, I am a total geek, and I actually hate that meme. But Finley, and by extension Mare, did not. The old people left a happy Yu-Gi-Oh gang in the funeral home.

"Yes!" Yami did a fistpump. "We did it! We defeated the evil Mary Sue!"

"STOP CELEBRATING!" scolded Kaiba. "Finley still lives! She'll just create another Mare and deceive you again!"

"Dergnerbit, Kaiba, no she won't!" smiled Yugi. "We're smart to her now, anything she dishes out, we can take!"

Tea was crying. "WHAT YOU GUYS DID TO HER WAS AWFUL! YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED!"

Ishizu rolled her eyes. "Zip up your stupid mouth."

"THAT'S IT! YOU BIG MEANIES AREN'T MY FRIENDS ANYMORE!"

"Well, in that case, break out the Heineken!" Mai exclaimed.

Everyone cheered. "HOORAY!"

"Hey, I wonder whatever happened to Bakura?" Tory (trooper?) wondered aloud.

As if on cue, Yami Bakura fell out of nowhere, smelling of dog urine and fear.

"ARRGH! I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT SHIT HOLE AGAIN!"

"WHERE'S BAKURA AT?" Yami screamed at the thief.

"You mind-crushed him, numbnuts!" Kaiba answered for Yami Bakura.

Suddenly, a big hole opened up in the ceiling and Bakura and Yami Marik fell out.

"YES!" Yami Marik's turn to fist pump. "Sweet victory!"

"Mare's gone!" Bakura pointed out the obvious. "When you guys beat her, everything that happened when she was around was turned back to normal!"

"Okay, that definitely calls for some marijuana," Mai declared.

"No," Yugi protested, "don't you see, marijuana is EVIL! Snickers, guys, I can't believe you would even consider that-" (CLUNK CLUNK)

"What was that?" Joey asked Yugi.

"…My balls just dropped," Yugi reported in a remarkably deep voice. "Give me a beer."

"He sounds like John Wayne, now!" Ishizu gasped.

"That's hot!" said Mai.

"Yeah!"

So, let's recap shall we? Yugi just became a man, and Ishizu and Mai were about to introduce him… properly. Joey… was taking away absolutely nothing from this. Kaiba wasn't either. Nobody was going to ever remember Theodore's name… whatever it was. Tea was no longer part of the "cool club," and Mare was gone.

Or was she?

Deep in the bowels of Finley's room, Finley began to write out another Mary Sue.

"I will craft an even MORE beautiful, MORE charming, and MORE powerful character than ever before.," she schemed. "But, I'm just so sick of Yu-Gi-Oh. What should I do next? ...OF COURSE! Inuyasha! I will make the ultimate Inuyasha character, and I will make her like a GODDESS! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Shut the hell up!" screeched Finley's mom. "I'm trying to watch 'Real Sex' down here!"

"Sorry mom!"

GAG!

THE END… FOR NOW

Okay, so this is the end of Pa-Ro-Dy Sue 1, but it's not the end of Pa-Ro-Dy Sue. Check out the Inuyasha section for part two.


End file.
